tonight myself.

the helicopters are flying above my apartment for the fourth time tonight.

occasionally the spotlight shines into my window.

and i cannot stop my tears tonight because i hate what the sound of the helicopter means.
selfless tears for my community, mingle with

the selfish tears for myself.

and sometimes it hurts so much to have a burden that it seems so few share.

and sometimes it hurts so much to know that i could leave at any moment if life in the "hood" gets too scary but that some of my neighbors will never know anything else.

tears because she is 13 and can barely read. tears because somedays i want to be the girl in the white dress. tears because she haunted by her childhood and can't seem to break free from a life of sin. tears because i just wat to go shopping and not feel guilty. tears because no child should be screamed at that way. tears because sometimes i just want my own room. tears because this place doesn't feel like home. tears because it does.

tears tonight that i can't make stop. selfish, selfless. but not of joy.

and tonight i will fall asleep to the sound of the helicopters while praying and waiting for the joy that comes with the morning.